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I first realized that the culture of physical intimacy might be very different in Korean and America while discussing gestures and expressions with an intermediate English conversation class. The text had a picture of a man kissing a woman on the cheek and I asked students if that’s how close friends might say good bye in Korea. My shocked students told me no. I asked them when such a gesture might be used and was told only between lovers. When I asked them how long a couple had to be dating before a kiss on the cheek the first response was “Two months!”
After some more discussion, I had students with different time frames in mind, ranging from 1 week to 2 months. I even had one female student who had allowed her now-boyfriend to kiss her cheek on the first date. However she qualified this by explaining (several times, presumably so no one would think she was that kind of girl) that it had been very cold outside and that they had spent the evening very close in order to keep warm. In a situation like that, a kiss on the first date was acceptable.
In later classes, while we discussed dating customs, the question of sexual intercourse came up. It seems that Korean men aim to have sex on the 100-day anniversary. Most women were silent or explained that it was proper to wait until marriage. Several women agreed that sex was normal in long-term relationships. I think they meant 1 year or longer.
American men expect sex sooner. Take the story of a high school boy who dumped his first girlfriend for not having sex with him. Every day, he told me, friends were asking him how she was in bed. When he answered that they hadn’t slept together yet, friends kept asking him if he had slept with her, when he was going to sleep with her, why he hadn’t slept with her yet, etc. One friend (a college graduate) told him that he slept with women on or before the third date. If three weeks had gone by with no sex than something was seriously wrong. He would never date a woman 3 months unless he was getting some sex.
After six months (during which the high school boy pressured his girlfriend for sex numerous times), the high school boy in our story told his girlfriend over the phone that he was dumping her. She cried and asked why. He said because he needed to be with someone who would have sex with him. She asked if he could wait. He couldn’t.
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For many Koreans dating is with one thing in mind: marriage. This is true for both parties, it seems. Upon meeting single Koreans (guys and gals), especially since I am married, I invariably get the request to introduce them to some nice person. It's quite flattering at first, but then you get to notice a pattern here.
Koreans are often introduced by friends, relatives and (in rarer cases now) matchmakers. They are so busy studying (when they're younger) and working (when they're older) that they have little chance to mix-and-mingle--and when they do go out on the town it is usually in same-sex groups or with relatives or co-workers (which, it seems, are off-limits).
If a date is one-on-one it is called a so-gay-ting (weird name) and if double ot triple dating it's called a mee-ting. Before a first date (or 5 minutes into one) each party will likely know the other's (i) graduation year and school (and job and title), (ii) birthday, (iii) family and religious background (including father's job), and likely (iv) salary and (v) goals. This is one of the few areas that Korea is extremely efficient in.
They usually meet at a trendy cafe and exchange vital information. After that, if things go well, future dates ensue. If not, that is it. Very matter-of-fact (and rather an oddity here, given Koreans penchant for high emotion--e.g., football matches). Parents then, usually, cover the wedding and help set up the couple and off they go to make a family.
I first realized that the culture of physical intimacy might be very different in Korean and America while discussing gestures and expressions with an intermediate English conversation class. The text had a picture of a man kissing a woman on the cheek and I asked students if that’s how close friends might say good bye in Korea. My shocked students told me no. I asked them when such a gesture might be used and was told only between lovers. When I asked them how long a couple had to be dating before a kiss on the cheek the first response was “Two months!”
After some more discussion, I had students with different time frames in mind, ranging from 1 week to 2 months. I even had one female student who had allowed her now-boyfriend to kiss her cheek on the first date. However she qualified this by explaining (several times, presumably so no one would think she was that kind of girl) that it had been very cold outside and that they had spent the evening very close in order to keep warm. In a situation like that, a kiss on the first date was acceptable.
In later classes, while we discussed dating customs, the question of sexual intercourse came up. It seems that Korean men aim to have sex on the 100-day anniversary. Most women were silent or explained that it was proper to wait until marriage. Several women agreed that sex was normal in long-term relationships. I think they meant 1 year or longer.
American men expect sex sooner. Take the story of a high school boy who dumped his first girlfriend for not having sex with him. Every day, he told me, friends were asking him how she was in bed. When he answered that they hadn’t slept together yet, friends kept asking him if he had slept with her, when he was going to sleep with her, why he hadn’t slept with her yet, etc. One friend (a college graduate) told him that he slept with women on or before the third date. If three weeks had gone by with no sex than something was seriously wrong. He would never date a woman 3 months unless he was getting some sex.
After six months (during which the high school boy pressured his girlfriend for sex numerous times), the high school boy in our story told his girlfriend over the phone that he was dumping her. She cried and asked why. He said because he needed to be with someone who would have sex with him. She asked if he could wait. He couldn’t.